This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Last week Alex had been refusing his bottles for some reason, I couldn’t figure out why but I decided to go with it.
Since about mid-November we had transitioned him off commercial formula and onto the GAPS diet (http://gapsdiet.com). His bottles then consisted of meat/veg/broth pureé and real food allowed on GAPS. GAPS is a gut healing protocol, and with everything he went through with the birth and the junk that is in commercial formula he definitely needed it.
Last week was the light at the end of the tunnel. While I know I wasn’t a failure, and I know that not being able to breastfeed was certainly not any fault of my own. I know that I did all that I could but my body wouldn’t lactate after the trauma of the hemorrhage. I could have continued to use the Lact-Aid longer but without any support in Guam I felt alone and on the outside. I was supposed to be the support for the moms of Guam (starting the La Leche League group there), but who was suppose to support me? I probably had post partum depression as well, and potentially PTSD from everything but that didn’t occur to me until later.
Throwing out the bottles last week was weight lifted off of me. Every day I was reminded of my (perceived) failure, but no more.
Alex is mostly sleeping through the night (this was about the same age that Arabella started to sleep without needing to nurse at night), and instead of needing a bottle he climbs on my chest, gives me a little squeeze, and falls back to sleep.
This.is.huge. Huge emotionally, and huge in terms of our day to day living. A week earlier he was still wanting bottles and waking every 2-3 hours at night (which is still developmentally appropriate for his age), bottles had to be prepared before we went anywhere and I had to make sure we’d have enough. But no more. Now I can take food for all of us, bring straw cups instead of bottles and not be embarrassed (because, well, I was). I don’t have to prep bottles for night time, or bring the cooler into bed with us.
We’re still working on gut healing for him, but hopefully we’ll see the end of that soon. He’s young and the amount of time that damage could have occurred is small.
My heart is a little lighter.