Not Broken

I’ve had a hard time since Alex was born (https://nomadicnavyfamily.wordpress.com/2012/03/30/alexander-lee-pembleton/) coming to terms with myself. Physically, emotionally, the whole shebang. The first year of his life, especially the first 6 months were just living to get through the day. I don’t remember a lot of those first 6 months, because it was HARD, in every way imaginable. Just getting through each day took everything. Gary was a rockstar. Hands down, he should get best dad/husband of the century award. He was the one putting in 200%, because he had to do everything, every.little.thing. I was a shell of myself, and I had to go through a mourning period (I lost a lot that day, and while I gained more than words could express, the loss was fresh and raw). It’s hard when you’re supposed to be doing something that females have been doing since the beginning of human history (and that the birth community says that anyone can just do if they want it enough), and I couldn’t even accomplish something so primitive as giving birth. 

Well. I AM BACK. I AM NOT BROKEN. I’ve been anticipating getting back on the bike for quite some time now, and Guam wasn’t the place to do it. Today I got back on the bike. I towed 80lbs of kids and trailer almost 9 miles to the aquarium. We live up in the hills near the airport in Monterey, and I had to walk a couple times coming back up the grade, but I did it. I made it home in one piece, and feeling more amazing than anything. 

Lately I’ve been getting my old self back. I will never be that woman again, but I like the new me. The one who is missing a few organs, who proudly wears the battle wounds of my trials and personal wars, and you know what? I won. I’m still here. 

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